This story won't begin by defining or describing what it means to be a "male ally" for women in the workforce. He will start by clarifying what he is not.
A male ally is not a superhero. He is certainly not wearing a cape or ribbon announcing his contribution to a cause. A male ally shouldn't be applauded because he doesn't do all that deserve it. Being a male ally is not a very difficult thing to do. It takes small efforts and large doses of empathy.
We often imagine discrimination in its ugliest forms, and for good reason:The discrimination we see in headlines is generally grossly unacceptable. But the reality is that these issues are usually based on a foundation of smaller institutional practices that create an uneven playing field. Women generally face slight biases and inequalities. It also exists outside of the traditional office. Entrepreneurs and freelancers are not immune to this. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean they can't feel it. Just because you don't think about it doesn't mean you don't perpetuate it.
I probably fell into the category of much of the male population who would like to consider themselves allies of the women in the labor market. But a good rule of thumb to remember is that you probably can't pretend to be something if you can't articulate what it entails. Condemning the worst culprits of sexism is a minimal tactic. I have collaborated with and worked for and alongside many women. Obviously, my career has benefited from crossing paths with so many of them.
And yet I wonder. Did I do anything other than passively sympathize with the pervasive biases they might have had to deal with at various points in their careers? What more could I do?
To find out, I read the research and spoke to women (on and off the record) in different industries as well as women subject matter experts. I asked questions, listened and took notes. This story will divide what I learned into four broad categories:perceptions (real and imagined), circumstances, mentorship, and defensive walls. None are universal for every man, woman or work environment. But they are common and there is anecdotal and statistical evidence behind each one.
If the tone of this article implies that it is aimed at men, that is only because I think it Many women may already be fully aware of most of the topics discussed here. This story is about consciousness. The best excuse a man can make is being oblivious to how he might be fighting gender inequality while navigating his own turbulent career.
This is an exercise for start eliminating that excuse.
Perceptions (real and imagined)
Success is about confidence, right? Storm into a meeting or interview and own the room . These clichés are based on perceptions. We try to be perceived as competent. We try to elicit leadership qualities.
But perceptions are tricky because we can't control them. The confident woman in the workplace has a history of being perceived as something else; “Bossy,” “brass,” or “cold.”
The idea of perceived modesty came up with most women I spoke to. Sarah Kessler is the author of Gigged:The End of Jobs and the Future of Work , on the rapid growth of self-employment and unpaid careers. "If you're a creative professional freelancer, promoting yourself or being a personal brand is a big deal," says Kessler. "Women tend to be more modest."
But women aren't genetically predisposed to think that way. These impulses come from societal experiences that tell them to beware of their perception. "I've talked to a lot of researchers who have told me about the idea of the double bind," says Jeannie Yandel, co-host of the Tactics for Your Sexist Workplace podcast. . If they are too assertive, women are often seen as bossy, or worse. "But if you're not assertive enough or too nice, you're seen as a push or having no leadership qualities," adds Yandel.
"Something a woman says could be interpreted as brag or interpreted differently than if a man said it," Kessler notes. An internal Hewlett Packard report found that women only apply for a job if they meet 100% of the qualifications while men will apply if they meet 60%.
Related: Why Women Struggle With Confidence More Than Men
So where can a man skin those perceptions if he wants his female colleagues or peers to succeed? Ground Zero could be the meeting room. It is a framework where ideas are implemented, where projects begin. “It’s a place where, overall, it’s more acceptable to be cut. It's a place where it's easier for someone to build your idea and get credit for it,” says Yandel. Timidly bringing an idea to a meeting is almost like giving someone stronger credit.
Everyone wants to climb the ladder of success, but stealing ideas or credit is always a bad decision. The meeting point is productivity, and you will rarely be able to implement an idea with the rigor of the person who conceived it. But experience tells us that men are more likely to do this to women. Perhaps subconsciously, they feel that a woman is less likely to call out to them.
The solutions are simple. Make sure the credit is going in the right direction. You don't need to be in a position of power to do this. “Co-worker recognition is always good,” says Kessler. You can also brag about a woman you know does a good job, but who rarely pats her back. It's not necessarily insecurity that keeps him from touting his own ideas; it is a form of self-preservation. Opening up the environment for one's talents to be recognized can go a long way.
It's not charity. It's decency. Perceptions can be paralyzing. They slow people down. They take money out of people's pockets. I'm a freelance writer, and I've never publicly discussed my constant anxiety with how my writers perceive me, not out of social anxiety, but because, without a salary or a contract, they hold my ability to earn between their hands. You might be shocked as I spent three ordeals reading the smallest emails to avoid stumbling across a number of ways. As a man, this is largely an overreaction on my part. But history and research show that these precautions have often been necessary for women.
It doesn't take courage to promote yourself.
Conditions
Equality does not is not as simple as treating everyone the same. Sometimes it's about giving equal consideration to each person's situation.
Brittany Cobb is the founder and CEO of Flea Style, a Dallas-based lifestyle brand that represents makers and small companies, which over the past nine years has grown from a semi-annual trade show across Texas to include the popular brick-and-mortar, e-commerce and podcast platforms.
Cobb is, by any typical definition, a success, and she would include her 6-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son in her own definition.
“My husband and I run our own businesses, and mine is much more complicated and takes time, and yet I still do everything at home,” Cobb tells me. To be clear, Cobb says her over-the-top parenting is something she chooses to take on. It's dangerous to assume that women are, or should be, the primary caretakers of children, but personally, Cobb finds himself making all the lunches, buying all the Christmas presents, and taking the kids to school.
There are great moms and great dads, but fathers are rarely ashamed of having made their careers a priority like mothers. Cobb calls it mommy guilt . "My husband doesn't have Dad's guilt , " she says. "It's not a thing. I think that's the case for a lot of men. ”
Reversing these stereotypes may seem too much for one person, but concrete ways to take into account the circumstances of each individual woman is to be aware of the schedule. Flea Style has been expanding for years, and that growth has resulted in meetings with lenders, accountants, construction crews, lawyers and fellow contractors. “A lot of the time the men can just get together for a drink after work or go to those boujee dinners,” says Cobb. “And I can make it work once in a while, but I can't just be on a whim. So be mindful of the distance you plan [would go a long way]. »
Dating outside of the office can be much less accessible to women, and that goes way beyond factors like motherhood. “A lot of these supposedly informal gatherings often exclude women,” said Ruchika Tulshyan, author of The Diversity Advantage:Correcting Gender Inequalities in the Workplace .
“Hey, do you want to have a few drinks at 5 p.m.? is rarely asked with the intention of discussing work. It's usually just a gasp, but that doesn't mean career advancement never comes out of this thing. Relationships are forged over a series of “a few drinks.” What's new on Netflix or how the local football team plays only fills a lot of conversations. Work is the common ground shared by people who work together. Eventually ideas are discussed.
No one tells you who to spend your personal time or lunch hour with, but if the colleagues you are with outside the office are almost exclusively male, that suggests something, whether you noticed it or not. Excluding people is a passive act, which you may not be aware of, but it's worth asking yourself:how much do you like to invite yourself to something?
The beauty of being out of the clock, however, is that no one holds authority. You don't have to be the organizer to invite someone. You definitely don't have to be the boss. "Anyone can say 'let's have lunch,'" Yandel says.
People go with the flow. If you organize or take any initiative, you can create more inclusive experiences. "I would love to see more men stand up and say things like 'this is the third date we've had at the bar this week, are we having breakfast next time?' “,” Tulshyan said. "Men have a lot less to lose when they talk about it."
Mentoring
It's hard to achieve any level of success in any field without the help of a mentor along the way. It may not be an official title – I don't think any of my mentors would call themselves that, but that doesn't mean I didn't take mental notes whenever they made the effort to sharing some of their wisdom.
Casual mentoring is great; why not share what you've learned along the way when you see someone about to have the same experiences? Unfortunately, in the job market, men tend to mentor other men more often than women. Yandel explains that this is not necessarily intentional. "There's research out there that talks about what happens when we have gut feelings towards someone, and most of the time gut feelings are about people who are like us," she says. "We don't necessarily see the potential in people who don't remind us of a younger version of ourselves. ”
If men have more positions of power, more seats at board meetings, more capital in funding startups (all of this is true in the US) and generally mentoring other men, it creates a cycle. “I think a great way to reach out across the aisle would be to offer more mentorship as more and more women take over businesses,” Cobb told me. br />Related: How to Excel as a Mentor or Mentee
So it's important to stop this trend, but male-to-female mentoring (or sponsorship) actually offers some unique opportunities to address gender inequality. Creating the kind of dialogue and transparency that allows your peers to ask questions about things that don't always come up could be a great tool for them. Yandel suggests that her independent auditors approach men doing similar work and tell them what rates of pay are being offered to them and ask if they think that's a good rate.
Kessler m' pointed out that browsing rates in YouEconomy may have little rhyme or reason and it's hard to know what your work is worth. Salaried employees can more easily research market rates for their positions. "We definitely live in a society where talking about our salary is rude, and that needs to change," says Tulshyan.
"If you're on the receiving end of these conversations, answer these questions as honestly and transparently as possible. possible,” Yandel advises the men. Women have no way of negotiating against wage inequality if men are not honest with them. For them, this is valuable information.
Perhaps the tendency for men to mentor and counsel men seems totally organic, but that means the solution is as simple as being aware of these tendencies and to act. Over the past few years, we've seen various powerful men defend their bad behavior by referring to the fact that they have a mother, wife, daughter, or sister. It is a hollow defense; having a mother or a sister is not something you have a choice in, and how you treat your wife or daughter says nothing about how you treat others.
Cobb suggests that it shouldn't be outrageous that men think of these women in their lives. "Not to be sweet or anything, but keep in perspective, would you want your daughter to be treated that way?" ”
We would all do our best to provide honest mentorship to the women in our family if we had the wisdom to pass it on to them. But those women you love might need some men in their fields . Everyone is someone's son or daughter. Are you doing your part to start a better cycle?
Tear down those walls
Accepting the idea that gender inequality exists in the workplace means nothing if you can't talk about it with an open mind. One of the problems with discussing only the most egregious forms of sexism is that it puts a much heavier weight on what could be a productive dialogue about plagues and biases. We've discussed a handful of simple actions you can take that probably sound reasonable. But what's especially important is that you consider this advice to be reasonable when it's coming from a woman . Will you have the same reaction when a colleague specifically mentions it to you? "I know the thought of being called out is terrifying," Yandel told me.
"It's really hard not to get defensive when someone basically says, 'I've got it. feel like you're doing something wrong, and I feel like you're doing it because you can get away with it. "But it's a good opportunity to stop and listen to that person and see what kind of actions you can take. Nobody is perfect. We all screwed that up. ”
It may seem scary to be called out for something that hasn't even crossed your mind, but this is where you need to empathize. “It takes a lot of courage for people from underappreciated groups to speak out against bad behavior, especially if the other side is obviously not trying to hurt or discriminate,” Tulshyan said.
Yandel is OK. "It's not easy to say to someone, 'I feel like this is happening to me and I feel like you're part of the problem,'" she says.
A woman coming to you with a problem is not the same as calling for your dismissal. Unfortunately, many women would rather live with the form of discrimination they face than be treated like they're wielding pitchforks or risk being labeled a problem person in the office.
You're going to have to listen , and it might be harder than you think. In transcribing the interviews I conducted for this story, I noticed that I occasionally interrupted the women I spoke to before they had finished summarizing their points. There was nothing intentional about it; I was probably trying to develop ideas that I could lay out later for the story, but that's still an incredibly gross thing to do. And it speaks to what women experience on a regular basis. I was talking to these women specifically to allow them to educate me on these matters and always acted like I could go in and finish their points.
Nothing bad happens when you admit these things. This is actually the start of a good thing. Helpless dialogue solves many more problems than you might think.
Keep in mind that women and people from any historically marginalized group can face much harsher forms of discrimination than we do. discussed here, which come from people in positions of power. Pay rates, hiring practices, unequal funding, unpaid maternity leave and rampant sexual harassment are real issues. You may very well feel that you are not complicit in these problems or that you are unable to do anything but sympathize with them. But the inequality does not stop there.
There is something to be aware of. There are many concrete answers to biases. Being a male ally means listening, understanding and trying.
The good news is that these are three things we are all capable of.
Related: What can men do to support women in leadership positions?
This article originally appeared in the Summer 2019 issue of LadiesBelle I/O magazine.
