While most companies have policies and processes in place for responding to sexual harassment violations, there are many instances of conduct or comments that may not reach the level of such violations, yet are uncomfortable, counterproductive, and may be part of a path to reportable violations.
People in all organizations are sometimes hesitant to stand up to sexist comments for many reasons, including fear of being ridiculed, misbehaving or potential loss of a client. Talking about it may also mean losing an important relationship with a colleague.
How do women and men speak out against questionable behavior and change sexist cultures? First of all, by reporting intimidation and discriminatory behavior through official channels. But what about comments or actions that don't fit the definition of harassment and that may have come from unintended perpetrators, perhaps through lack of understanding? Every situation is unique, but here are five core insights to guide the response to the situation.
1. Consider history. Before the colleague made a comment that insulted us:can we remember a time when we worked well with this person, when we felt a sense of mutual respect or at least cooperation. Memorizing such examples can allow us to put the offending moment into context. Did we really hear what we thought we heard? And even if we did, can we remember that this moment isn't ALL we know about this colleague? Let them live in our hearts and minds as a whole person, with a variety of sometimes contradictory qualities. This helps us tap into our own skills and respond as empathically and objectively as we can.
2. Normalize the experience. Humans are imperfect and sometimes callous, but we all have the power to react in such situations. In other words, bring the emotion down so that we can access our full repertoire of communication skills.
3. Don't assume anything about intention! This is a challenging one, but it's important to respond to words as if they were just that, words, and not to assume we understand where they came from. They can reflect one's deeply held beliefs, or they can be a fleeting expression of impatience. When we assume intent, we tap into emotions that can limit our reactions. It's not that emotions are bad; they are often a valuable clock, a source of insight. But when we allow them to gain the upper hand, they can give us hasty or thoughtless answers.
4. Appeal to shared goals. Once we have let go of our assumptions about intent, we can replace them with appeals to a shared purpose; maybe this is a project we are trying to implement or a sense of teamwork in our department. Rather than asking our colleague to admit their sexism, racism, homophobia, narrow-mindedness, or simple 'wrong', we are probably more effective at influencing their future behavior if we can find something positive, something shared. Once we're working on the same side toward a shared goal, it becomes easier to identify the comments or behaviors that may be hindering that progress. And that might lead us to one of the most important guidelines for our behavior, which is No. 5 below…
5. Focus on behavior, not traits. In other words, once we agree on a shared goal, we can explain that a particular comment or behavior can inhibit our effectiveness:“When you reject my ideas, I wonder if you think I'm incompetent, and I think you are missing the insight and information I am trying to share. Can we both agree to pretend we believe the other has something valuable to offer and see where that takes us?” The reality is that at work (or almost anywhere in our lives) we can't make anyone THINK, BELIEVE or FEEL anything else. But we can expect to behave in ways that promote organizational success. That should be our focus.
