The way conflict is handled can quickly separate great leaders from leadership responsibilities. Poor leaders deal with conflict in three predictable ways:
1. They give in.
Conflict is difficult and often frightening. It challenges our sense of self, confidence, and security in relationships. Leaders who give in during conflict leave it paralyzed. They play it safe to keep the peace, compromise to avoid discomfort, and avoid direct conversations for fear of rejection. These leaders send the message that conflict is bad for relationships and should be avoided.
2. They give unsolicited advice.
Conflict introduces a different type of energy and can disrupt progress. It is natural to see this as a nuisance that simply needs to be determined. Some leaders lose perspective during conflict, thinking it's their job to be the hero and save the day by telling everyone what to do. They offer uninvited advice and solutions, reinforcing boundary issues and dependency. They send the message that the conflict is just a problem to be solved and they think they have the answer.
3. They give ultimatums.
Conflict results from a gap between what we want and what we experience. It's tempting to believe in the myth that others are responsible for the conflict, so they are the ones who need to change. Leaders who buy into this myth have no problem giving ultimatums. They believe it's OK to threaten people as a way to close the gap. They send the message that fear, intimidation, and manipulation are acceptable ways to get others to get in shape.
Great leaders don't see conflict as a threat or a problem. Great leaders see conflict as a source of energy and a powerful opportunity to be harnessed.
Related: 5 Strategies for Overcoming Conflict
Here are three secrets to what great leaders do when conflict strikes:
1. They open up.
Great leaders are not afraid to share their experience of conflict. They open up to themselves and others by acknowledging the discomfort of conflict. They are willing to name their emotions and experiences and allow others to do the same. By doing so, they send the message that the conflict is difficult and that it is okay. Openness has the added benefit of often revealing deeper desires and desires, which makes tackling root causes much easier. It may look like this:
"I care deeply about this relationship and I'm worried about where things are going."
"I'm also worried. Mergers have so many unknowns.
"It's OK to be angry." »
2. They become curious.
Most people take a position during conflict, which leads to polarization. Great leaders do the exact opposite. They become curious and show an uncritical interest in their own perspective and that of others. They don't care about who is right or wrong, instead focusing on understanding and learning. They seek first to understand, not to be understood. They ask open-ended questions, instead of looking for exceptions or reiterating their own point of view. Here are some examples:
"What information would be most helpful to you?" »
« I would like to check some hypotheses. Can I share them with you and get your point of view? "
" I'm really curious to hear your point of view. Want to share more? »
3. They focus on what matters.
Many people in conflict are distracted from the real issues, seeking instead to feel vindicated by falling into one of the traps described above. They focus so much on content that they lose sight of what really matters. Or, they decide everything is important, which creates an impossible dilemma for everyone.
Great leaders are able to step back, take a step back, and be clear about what really matters. They can separate the “what” from the “why”. They know that behind most negative behavior is a positive, unmet need. Addressing this need and addressing larger issues of respect, dignity and emotional safety are keys to lasting solutions. When principles, boundaries and values are in play, they may focus on one or both of the most relevant. Several examples might include:
“At the end of the day, I want to protect the trust of our stakeholders. I will support whatever we can do to achieve this. ”
“I can tell you how important decision-making autonomy is to you. I want to balance that with consistency of results and I'm 100%. ”
“For me, it comes down to transparency. I don't want to do anything that undermines my credibility with the board. »
Conflict is a great source of energy for leaders who know how to use it. By learning to open up, become curious, and focus on what matters, leaders can avoid the casualties of conflict and leverage them to achieve positive results.
Related: Why Good Leaders Love Office Conflict
