Imagine for a moment that you are about to sit down with an employee to discuss exciting new changes in your company. Maybe you're bubbling with excitement, sure she'll feel the same way you do. Then you break the news and you're met with a blank stare, a passive sigh, or even an angry rebuttal.
No matter how prepared you are, some conversations won't turn out the way you expect. But that doesn't mean you have to give up and let all the difficult conversations work themselves out. After all, in an online survey of 1,000 employees, 91% said miscommunications drag executives down. The data revealed that most leaders missed critical opportunities to engage that could position them as more trustworthy to their employees.
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As someone who has managed others for over 25 years, I have seen the value of honest and open communication between an employee and an employer, but I have definitely stumbled along the way. While these communication incidents weren't my proudest moments, they taught me valuable lessons as a manager, including how to mend relationships and have more meaningful conversations. I've picked out a few important do's and don'ts on my trip such as:
1. Do throw away the script.
Preparing for a difficult conversation is imperative to its success. There is, however, a big difference between jotting down notes and writing a script. The latter won't do you any good.
"A difficult conversation tends to go better when you think of it as a normal conversation," says Holly Weeks, author of Missing to Communicate . Because your counterpart doesn't know his lines, the conversation can become awkward and contrived. For a more natural and productive conversation, opt for a few talking points and be flexible with the conversation that ensues.
2. Don't dance around the issue.
It is important for you as a manager to be as explicit as possible in difficult conversations. Start by stating what you hope to accomplish during this meeting and ask the employee to do the same. Then discuss the topic in question and the thought process behind it.
3. Do put yourself in the other person's shoes.
As humans, we all have preconceived notions, but holding on to those assumptions during difficult conversations is a mistake. For example, a few years ago, I led a team that we had to restructure. We had to go a lot further in the areas where we were the best and where we were known as the experts, but that also meant giving up some things that weren't as important. So I had to have several conversations with the employees about how their roles were going to change. A conversation was a huge learning experience for me.
I was so confident in leading our group that I didn't fully explain an employee's role and how it was changing. I assumed she would understand the importance of the change because she was a senior leader, but I failed to explain how she fit into the picture more specifically. Because of this, she failed to understand its importance to the business and the value it added.
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It takes two people to have a conversation, so consider your counterpart's perspective. Think about the question in question from your point of view. Then think about what your employee thinks the problem is. If you can't answer the second question, ask him directly. When you work to empathize with your employee, they will be more open to a productive conversation.
After speaking with my employee about the structural changes, I picked up on his social cues and asked him to tell me how she felt. That's when I realized I had to put myself in his shoes. So I explained how shifting some of his workload would allow him to dive deeper into his area of expertise. After that, she became one of the biggest champions in the department for these changes.
4. Don't become defensive.
It can be tempting to act defensively or even become the victim of a difficult discussion, but you should avoid both of these tactics at all costs. Deflecting blame or making statements like, “This is really hard for me!” or "I feel bad about this!" during a difficult conversation only makes you seem dismissive of your employee's needs. Instead, acknowledge your role in the discussion and how you will work through the problem with your employee.
5. Do show some compassion.
Difficult conversations may not be pleasant, but compassion helps you convey difficult news in an honest and fair way. Ultimately, my restructuring conversation was successful because I responded to the employee's needs with compassion. Once I understood why she was worried, I was able to sympathize and respond accordingly. Keep in mind that it's important to not only respond to employee concerns as they arise, but also to stay one step ahead of them to reassure your employees that they are valuable teammates. .
Having a difficult conversation with your employee is never easy or fun, especially when that employee reacts differently than you expected. But it is still important to reflect on these experiences. After an exhausting conversation, take time to reflect on what went well and what didn't, and what you can do differently in the future. In conjunction with transparency, active listening and the right attitude, self-reflection will help you face difficult conversations head-on.
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