Human workers are fired for many reasons:they're chronically inefficient, they smell funny, they write inter-office memos that leak and become week-long virus disasters (hypothetically). But while it's unclear what will permanently fire you, there are things you can say to speed up the process, or at least make it easier for managers to think of your name during the next round of budget cuts. Here are some of those things and how you might be able to work around them:
Related: 7 tips for being the right kind of professional at work
1. "I can't do anything else. ”
A lame white flag that basically says, “I left and let Jerry and his team handle this for me.” Unless you find yourself stranded and alone on some scorched volcanic rock in the South Pacific, there's probably someone you can call.
What to say instead: "We're running out of options, but let me try some long-term ideas. »
2. " It is not fair! »
When I was 5 years old, my cousin visited me and took me to kindergarten. You can't talk in kindergarten, of course, so when my cousin leaned in to say something to me, I whispered back that she was going to be in trouble. The teacher stopped reading, looked me straight in the eye, and said I was an infamous "talker." That's more or less when I learned that life isn't fair, work isn't fair, baseball isn't fair, fate isn't fair and business isn't fair. . And sometimes, regardless of the unfair circumstances, you still end up losing your animal crackers.
What to say instead: Multiple mute curse words uttered right up your sleeve before you come up with a Plan B.
3. “I want X, Y and Z to happen so I can…”
Right? I wish I had developed the skills to become the Chicago Cubs' second baseman in 1992, but since then it hasn't happened yet (although I'm still hopeful they take a longtime chance on a 41-year-old player) who isn't very good at baseball), I'm basically stuck with reality in front of my face.
What to say instead: "It would be nice if X happened, but here's what we're looking at. (Also, “Go Cubs.”)
4. “At my last job, we did it like this.”
Awesome! In my last job, the CEO wore banana-yellow suits, held delightful four-hour meetings, and told weirdly long anecdotes about Norway. Fortunately, I no longer work there, so none of that matters.
What to say instead: If applicable, bring all good ideas/policies to the table in your current job. It's awesome. Making it sound like you're longing for your banana yellow past is less so.
5. "I'll get there, but it's not a priority right now. ”
There is nothing people love more than hearing that they are not important to the person they are talking to. (Chipotle guy:"Sure, I'll make your burrito, when I baptize it truly worthy of my care and attention.")
What to say instead: It's easy - just leave out the second part of that sentence. Achieves the same effect, without unnecessary psychological punch.
6. "That pay sucks here!" »
Ugh, I know, right? If only you had, I don't know, set a salary/rate when you took the job. That would have made the pathetically limited pay scale much less of a surprise.
What to say instead: “I should negotiate a higher starting salary in my next job.”
7. "I don't get paid enough for this!" »
Probably not! Sadly, the Earth is pretty much covered in people doing all sorts of difficult and demanding jobs, far from what they should be paid for, and I'm going to pause while the entire teaching profession raises their collective hands – thank you very much . Plus, nobody likes to whine.
What to say instead: “One day I will be paid enough for this. »
8. " I'm bored. »
Interesting! There is a wide selection of chapter books and Highlights magazines around, and we hope you find them a useful way to pass the time while other people find ways to be useful.
What to say instead: Honestly, just about anything.
9. " I'll try. »
Come on, you've never seen The Empire Strikes Back ?
What to say instead: " I'll do. »
10. “I'm not very busy; can I leave early today?
Look, I'm writing this in a home office in Indiana and I want to fire you. Admitting you're not very busy is like telling your manager it's OK to bench you because your batting average is rubbish anyway.
What to say instead: “My schedule is pretty light today – think about it if I leave early, and plan to make up for work tomorrow / next week / when? »
11. "It's not in my job description. »
Great! Your job description was written three years ago in a flurry of initial HR activity for new hires. Also, developing a diverse skill set under the right circumstances is generally considered a very good outcome.
What to say instead: "Okay, that kinda sucks, but maybe it'll pay off in the end. »
12. “Ugh, I hate it here. I am totally looking for a new job. ”
Fantastic, and while we all promise we'll give you all the much-needed attention, you can actually look for a new job privately, often through contacts and/or buying your resume within the confines of your own home. In the meantime, it might be good to keep quiet about this, to prevent what HR organizations call "they fire you first".
What to say instead: Not so much.
13. "I'm sorry, I have a question..."
Things to regret at work:Handing competitors a backpack full of internal memos, dropping the water cooler all over Jerry, accidentally turning on the bathroom break on fire, tweet from the company account instead of yours. Things not to regret:Asking a work-related question in a meeting. It's hard, and I struggle daily, but apologies are only for what deserves it.
What to say instead: Unless you accidentally released a cage of bullfrogs in a group gathering, leave out the I'm sorry. You probably won't be fired for this, but you'll seem significantly less ambitious.
14. "I want to touch on how we're going to drill down into the parameters of our core competencies."
OK, full disclosure, you probably won't be fired for resorting to a desperate cascade of word trash, but that's still lots of sounds that don't mean anything and we'd be better off using actual English.
What to say instead: "How are you, Jim?" »
Related: 11 things smart people don't say
