"Network your way to the top!"
“Always say Yes ! "
"Never eat alone! "
" Get out! »
If you're an overkill like me, you've definitely heard this advice. If you're ambitious, you probably also believe that to be successful you need to be there 24/7, relentlessly squeezing the flesh, closing deals, tweeting and hosting conferences. You probably believe there is a successful “type”:the intense, sleepless mover and shaker, the person who “bends over” and gathers endless amounts of sand. And if you don't fit that guy, well, you're out of luck.
I call bullshit.
A lot of what we think we need to do to be successful is useless and even counterproductive. I've interviewed over 150 successful entrepreneurs and leaders, and I can tell you that most of them aren't the always-on, outgoing superstars we'd assume. A new media CEO whose viral videos have garnered more than 100 million views told me she had great anxiety about being in a room where she didn't know anyone. “I immediately go into awkward collegiate mode,” she confesses. The founder of a biotech company who just received Series A funding has confessed that she hides in the bathroom at conferences, “usually because I cry.” A former Wall Street banker who now runs a successful tech startup has to “take beta blockers to speak in public.”
Related: Survival tips for introverts
And then there's me. I am a hermit by nature, an extreme introvert, more comfortable at home with my children, my cats and my kitchen than selling for a piece. I admit it:hosting meetings and giving speeches intimidates and exhausts me. When I fly to meet a potential client or to give a talk, I take so many anti-anxiety Xanax that I'm barely conscious. I manage my social media feeds very tightly, doing just enough to keep me in the game. Yet I own and run a successful business where I am the primary sales driver.
"Hiding in the bathroom" has become my shortcut to hacking and faking my way of appearing as a man. typical successful business. Given my natural inclinations, I hid almost all the time. I rarely chose to leave my home. But as extensive as my online network was, I couldn't support a business that way. So I learned to go out, build strategies and tips that ease my anxieties and introversion while I'm at a business gathering or meeting with a client, and then create time at home to recharge, being alone and getting the job done.
I was fighting over needing to hide in the bathroom. I walked into a huge crowd, panicked at the number of strangers, and immediately headed for the ladies' room. But over time, I learned that I often needed a moment to reset myself during a busy work day. Now I know it's okay to take a moment to breathe. Then I put on lipstick, look in the mirror, and say, You can do this. Go ahead.
Becoming my own kind of entrepreneur
When I was a kid, I told everyone, “I want to be a media mogul. I had a picture of famous Paramount boss Sherry Lansing on my bedroom wall. I wrote my 10th grade economics paper on the inside story of Barry Diller's bid for Universal Studios ownership. And because I was lucky enough to grow up during the Clinton years, when jobs were plentiful for 20-somethings, I was on my way. After graduating from college, I held a series of high profile jobs in the marketing world and was even recognized in a national “30 under 30” list.
There was one problem:secretly (or maybe not so secretly) I was miserable. I tried many different characters and adopted countless ad hoc coping mechanisms, but nothing helped. I was torpedoing my success at every turn. I drank too much during happy hours at the office and acted badly. My weight constantly went up and down as I bounced between binge eating and barely eating. I was anxious almost every day and had frequent panic attacks. Quite often I was so depressed that I called sick at work and hid in bed all day.
At my last job I was asked to start a department from zero, and I was too proud, anxious and myopic to find allies. Eventually, the New York office tried to get me fired. Did this girl get up and fight like a brave heroine in a novel? No she hasn't. She cried in the bathroom and started working from home as often as she could.
When she finally quit her job and started freelancing, she became an accidental entrepreneur who focuses more about creating time for life than creating millions.
I run a business called Women Online. We are a social impact marketing agency with the sole mission of creating campaigns that mobilize women for social good. I like to say that we are small but mighty; even though we have less than 10 people – and are virtual about it – we help the biggest organizations in the world with digital strategy. For example, we helped President Obama's campaign reach mom bloggers and send them to the polls; we've created digital tools that have inspired American families to discover and support the work of Malala Yousafzai and the United Nations, both on a mission to educate girls around the world.
Over the past decade , I've built a life that allows me to earn enough money and find just enough recognition without driving myself crazy and without sacrificing my self. I learned to play to my strengths and nurture my introversion, focusing less on the long-term outcome of “success” and more on the day-to-day. Today, thanks to the deliberate way I have organized my business, I can literally be at the United Nations one day and at home with the boys digging in the dirt the next. On days when I'm at a client's office pitching new business or giving a speech, you'll likely find me in the ladies' room between sessions.
Related: Morra Aarons-Mele on Embracing Your Introvert Nature
Every day I take lots of breaks and time for myself, even if it's just five minutes in a quiet room. Of course, this best-of-both-worlds lifestyle comes at a price. It has meant sacrifice, less success than some peers, and a slower path. But it's my version of success, and I love it.
The aha moment came when I learned to redefine my view of success. The old vision was a media mogul. My new vision was less centered on a distant notion of achieved success. I swapped “one day” for “today”. For me, it's the choice to be a hermit entrepreneur:a mostly tongue-in-cheek term I use to describe my choice to work mostly from home in my yoga pants.
What if you become the kind of success you wanted to be? What if you could enjoy every day of your professional life? How about stopping all that networking? What if you distilled your business development to the bare minimum while still managing to grow your business or your income? What if instead of going out, you could just stay in?
The good news is that you can learn and practice the skills you need to achieve a version of success that's right for you and earn enough money. . And I'm going to give you concrete career development and management strategies and tools to get you there.
These strategies start with defining a vision and developing realistic goals that meet all of your needs, even if it means accepting a more modest career or a slower growth trajectory. Then, manage your goals in a way that allows for an enjoyable, "hermit" lifestyle. To maximize your impact with as little time as possible, you create a solid professional niche and digital footprint. If you own a small business or are self-employed, you are pricing slightly above the market price. You determine the right client, the right combination of projects or the type of work that gives you the time you need. No matter where you work, you create a long-term professional franchise for yourself that secures future jobs, freelance gigs and business opportunities as well as more free time in the future. You engage in high-impact smart networking and only attend a few strategically selected conferences. You follow your workflow and define your work more carefully to protect your time for family, friends and yourself. And finally, you recalibrate expectations with bosses, spouses, family members and others.
As a business owner and entrepreneur struggling with serious mental health issues, I have often found myself hidden in the bathroom. We have all been there, but few of us talk about it. But being a successful introvert is integral to those emotions that are an opportunity to gain knowledge and make it work for you, instead of driving your job.
As my friend Kim Leary, MD, says, associate professor at Harvard Medical School, "Think about what you're giving up if you're not in tune with your emotions. Life would indeed be dull and gray, and you can use that anxiety to help your career, not hurt it.
Now that I've realized that my anxiety is part of who I am, and that, rather than fighting her all the time, I embrace what she gives me, like great people skills, empathy, and motivation. I like to think about my anxiety and am a business partner, frequently negotiating, sometimes arguing, but often creating great work.
Ultimately, hiding in the bathroom means relentlessly caring and feeding your whole being. It means vigorously reinforcing your personal boundaries, even when others push you to grow faster or earn more money. You won't get rewards for slowly advancing your career or business, or enjoying your life. You won't be featured in magazines, and you probably won't be at conferences. Worse, everyone in your life, from your accountant to your graphic designer or even your spouse, will question your strategy. It's not sexy to grow slowly. But hermit pros know the truth:it's better. Committed to what will make them happy for the long term, they do what it takes to stay home and make every day rich, meaningful and fulfilling.
All of this may seem unrealistic, but the successful professionals I interviewed for my Forbes Podcasts all share one thing in common:they have managed to integrate work with personal passion and interest. Some, like me, are extreme introverts – they have social anxiety and hate flying. These men and women do not follow the traditional rules. They made their own rules and honed their skills accordingly. You can too.
Bending over is great, but not everyone can bend over all the time. It makes us too tired. It's not that fun either. More fun is fending for hours on your own, just thinking and doing – engaging in what investor Paul Graham calls “rich, lonely, germinative time.” It could be getting your kids to school every day or caring for your aging parents. This can be tinkering around in your garden or cultivating other hobbies. The dirty little secret to success is that you can grow your business, build your career, and do the work you love while leaving room for outside interests. You can spend more time at home and minimize travel, networking, and after-school programs.
Related: The Introvert's Guide to Getting Hired
From the book Hiding in the Bathroom:An Introvert's Roadmap to Getting Out (When You'd Rather Stay Home). Copyright © 2017 by Morra Aarons-Mele. Reproduced with permission from Dey Street Books, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
