One of Jodi R.R. Smith's favorite quotes comes from a textbook published in 1911 with the very title Polite Questions for Little Men and Women "That the morals of children today are not what they should be or even what they were a generation ago, is an indisputable fact."
These words were of course written before people brought their cellphones to weddings and texted them apart, but Smith says the general idea — that societal norms are systematically shattered by the young and ignorant — remains blatantly wrong, wrong, wrong . "Being rude or socially oblivious isn't limited to millennials," she says. "There's plenty to do.
She would know. A former HR executive, Smith guided enough co-workers through failed promotions, toxic bosses and workplace romances to finally take the plunge and start his own etiquette business, Mannersmith Etiquette Counseling in Boston, which grew. addressed to businesses and universities. “A lot of times,” she says, “these are really bright people who have a hard time working with other people.”
And it's harder now because workplaces can look like no other. whatever in 2017 — more of us are working from home, and Pixar has beach volleyball, for god's sake — but the rules governing professional interactions are essentially the same since 1911 and way before. “I explain it like this,” Smith says. "If I get hit and start running for third base, it's not illegal, it's will confuse the other team and irritate my teammates. It is to social convention that I run first. That’s what work guidelines do:allow everyone to benefit from the interaction. Luckily, these guidelines work whether you're a ballplayer, CEO, or rocket scientist. "It's not rocket science," Smith said, killing my metaphor. “But common sense is not so common. Here's how to break workplace etiquette situations out of the park.
Related: 7 tips for being the right kind of professional at work
How to handle any situation that will ever arise with your phone:
Simple rule:the person in front of your face wins. "The second you take the focus off your device, you're telling that person they're not important," Smith says. This is also true on dates, at Thanksgiving dinner, when you play rugby, and in the rest of your life. "If someone tapped me on the shoulder, I wouldn't immediately turn around and start having a conversation with them. And that's basically what you do when you're checking your text or answering a call. »
How to use your phone anyway:
Contrary to what you might think, sometimes using your phone is just fine, as long as you follow some basic rules of human decency. “The general guideline is to pay attention to the people you are with now. Of course, there are exceptions; if your boss is in Chicago and you're in Tulsa, you might have to adapt, but precautionary etiquette usually takes care of that. "If your boss calls you and you're in a meeting, just say, 'I'm going to have to go out. “Otherwise, only unclog your device if it contains table-critical information. Or if you need to research the Heimlich maneuver or research anti-venoms. Both are acceptable.
How not to automatically reach your electronic security blanket:
Phones aren't just distractions at work; they are also tiny security blankets for some people. "The second time someone doesn't talk to them, they'll immediately start playing with their phone, preventing anyone else from coming in and interacting with them. As well as being a general problem with social interaction, it can be especially negative at events, conferences, or other networking situations. "If you're between sessions, unless you're on schedule or facing an emergency, don't pull out your cell phone immediately," Smith advises. "You miss the people around you.
Wait, don't people already know that sort of thing?
“You would think so,” laughs Smith, “but no, you have to reinforce it. ”
How to drink during drinks:
Every interaction has a host, Smith says. "It's like ballroom dancing:someone leads and follows someone. If this is your boss, follow their clues. If this is you, define them clearly. Scale your frame, whether you're in a professional mahogany-and-jazz setting or a college town sports bar with happy hours on the wings. The host always takes the tab. And for Pete's sake, keep your wits about you. One or two drinks max and be sure to pack some carbs along the way. “Getting drunk never improves your professional demeanor,” Smith says. If that's going to be anything, order a Sprite. Or go to a teahouse.
How to write a reference for someone who isn't very good:
Reference letters are hyperbole-filled formalities that most HR roam selflessly, yet here we are. So decide how much investment you want to get.
Option 1:Fake it and omit some of the adverbs you would use for more pointed colleagues.
Option 2:Ask your subject to specify what hoped you would say or remember the projects you worked on. "That way you don't do all the heavy lifting," she says. “And you can write honestly about positive things. The more specific the situation, the more it benefits everyone. »
Option 3:If you can't in good conscience think of a single positive thing, pretend you'd like to but just don't have the time. They will see through your hideous lies, but if they have any self-awareness, they won't ask. “When we call someone for a reference and the person will only confirm dates of employment, that's a big red flag,” says Smith. “I used to ask HR:if this person applied to work at your company, would you hire them again?” But that said, there is little point in denying someone a job opportunity elsewhere. "Someone who doesn't thrive in one position can step into a different culture and thrive there," Smith says. "It's nice to be able to afford other opportunities. ”
How to know when he has gone from a productive working relationship to flirting:
First, duh. If you are reading this part, it is. “Most adults can tell when they really like working with someone versus liiiiiiiiike someone,” Smith said, making the sixth grade accent on “liiiiiiiiike . But when you go from a common goal to a fantasy about what they're doing on Saturday, we still say:duh. "If you like working with someone or even having a husband or wife at work, that's great, especially if you have a common goal," she says. "But if it's someone you always hope to sit with or touch when you talk, that's too much." (Also, keep in mind that everyone has already figured this out and is talking about you. Oh, and your desk is probably full of cameras, so gauge how badly you want your flirt/cage encounters. stairs are appreciated by the beefy Jersey security staff.)
If you're single and it's becoming a thing, check your company's guidelines and policies and other things that you find objectionable. It is possible to love a person and not want to lose your job for them. But after that? Go for it, but, advises Smith, take it slow. “I spent many years in HR. I've seen a lot of office romances turn into long-term marriages. But I've seen a lot of one-night stands with co-workers, and I haven't seen an end well yet. If you're diving into the corporate pool for dating, that tells me you need to think about your work/life balance. ”
How to stop pointing it all out:
As you've probably noticed, a lot of this falls under the broad, wide umbrella of common sense, which means that if you listen to your Inner Strength, you'll probably be OK. That plays into the last and most important rule of office etiquette:knowing when to opt out. “Nobody should be working 24/7,” says Smith. “You have to take breaks and be yourself. This is obviously crucial for doctors, air traffic controllers, NSA controllers and professional wrestlers, but it applies at all levels. “People have to decipher and distinguish between something urgent and real. We all like to feel important. And I like to talk about etiquette emergencies,” she laughs. "But it's not a kind of life or death. »
Related: Don't Do This:A Guide to Theater in the Workplace
