In my denomination, the congregation elects its pastors. During my pastoral training, my classmates and I repeatedly heard the story of a Joe Johnson, a pastor from Ohio who had had zero downvotes in nearly 30 years. I interpreted this to be the standard by which ministerial greatness was measured.
As a new minister decades ago, I remember sweating during sermons, praying mightily, smiling broadly, dressing impeccably and doing everything in my power to prove my dignity. I will never forget the results of my first ballot. My hands were shaking when I got the count:31 yes, one no, one abstain. Looking back, these numbers are impressive. But at the time, I only saw that it wasn't Joe Johnson's results, and I was crushed. I called my dad.
"I don't know if I can stay in church," I moan.
"What was the vote?" " He asked. When I told him, he laughed and laughed.
“Oh, John, stay,” he said. " I know you; this is the best vote you will ever get! ”
What a pleasure for the people I had been. I now realize that chasing popularity leaves you vulnerable to bad decisions, groupthink, and compromised morals. Thank goodness I had the advice of sages like my father, who helped me develop my emotional strength.
Related: 10 Signs of a Desperate Leader Through the Eyes of a Pastor
We often think that IQ is the engine of success. Of course, good intelligence helps. But if we take a closer look at high performers, we find that emotional intelligence boosts their performance. Emotionally strong people avoid common pitfalls (like people-pleasing ones) that derail success. Let's look at some other mistakes that these leaders avoid:
1. They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves.
You can't moan and lead at the same time. That's why I came up with my 24-hour rule:When life treats me rotten, I indulge in 24 hours of self-pity. I am complaining. I mope. I drive my poor wife, Margaret, and my inner circle nuts. But I continue. Because there is nothing worse than being in the company of perpetual bellyachers. Their complaints spread like a virus on a sneeze, infecting those around them.
Do you know what else is contagious? Optimism. Resistance. But it takes emotional strength to build immunity to growls, and you need real leadership to inoculate the rest of an organization. The next time you feel compelled to complain about yourself, submit to self-directed tough love instead.
2. They avoid ceding their power.
Ordinary people don't like to see motivated people succeed. That's why they try to lure you into another round when they know you have a 9 o'clock presentation, or make side comments about your self-imposed workload, or temper your positive attitude with their negative energy.
Each time you give in to it, you give up some of your power. If you keep letting them touch you, they will completely wear you out.
This is probably the hardest lesson I teach. No one wants to say goodbye to friends or distance themselves from colleagues. But as much as healthy relationships nurture dreams, unhealthy relationships inhibit them. You may have to leave some friends behind, but I guarantee you'll find like-minded companions to take their place.
3. They focus on what they can change, not what they can't.
"Put a book in your glove box," my father told me many years ago. "You never know when you'll be stuck waiting for the train to pass. To this day, I keep a paperback stashed in there, and I can't tell you how many times I whipped it to use up otherwise idle time.
The alternative, of course, is to curse the train and declaim the traffic. So many people waste energy worrying about things they can't control:lost luggage, long lines, the actions of others.
I'm thinking of Will Bowen, an author and minister who founded the Complaint Free World movement. His organization has donated more than 11 million purple wristbands in 106 countries to remind people to silence their complaints and turn that negative energy into something positive and productive. My favorite quote from him:“Complaining is like bad breath. You notice it when it comes out of someone else's mouth, but not yours. »
The next time you feel compelled to complain about yourself, submit to self-directed tough love instead.
4. They refuse to repeat mistakes.
What is this old definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Mentally difficult people are self-reflecting people. They set aside a portion of each evening to review what happened during the day. This exercise is not about dwelling on mistakes, self-punishment, or the desire to do things. Rather, it's a way to take stock of what went well and how to replicate that success, then analyze what went wrong and how to avoid similar mistakes.
I do this every night after dinner. It was a difficult exercise at first, human nature seems to give us the power to measure everyone but ourselves. But mentally strong people seek the truth and recognize that honesty begins on the inside.
The longer I've been in this business and the more I study people and organizations, the more I realize that intelligence intellectual only takes you so far. In fact, the higher you climb, the less your skills and intelligence will carry you and the more your success will depend on mental toughness. The greatest leaders are self-aware, self-directed, stress-tolerant, and possess an emotional elasticity that motivates them in circumstances that would deflate most of their peers.
I had to leave some friends. I learned to respect my decisions. I practice an internal tough love that keeps me from whining and moaning about the injustice of the world. And my dad was right:This near-unanimous congregational vote was the closest to universal approval. But you know what? I am a better, emotionally stronger leader for this.
Related: 7 qualities of people with high emotional intelligence
This article originally appeared in the October 2017 issue of SUCCESS magazine.
