Quit working as a mother. It sounds ideal, but Monique also experiences the difficult sides that she would like to share with us in her story. She is not completely alone, but a large part of the upbringing comes down to her and that is sometimes difficult.
I'm Monique. 36 years. Married to my childhood sweetheart Danny, and mother of 2 boys, Jona of 10 and Luka of 8 years. I dropped out of school early because I just couldn't figure out what I wanted to learn. When I was 18 I started working in the store and over the years I have moved up there. I ended up being an assistant store manager at a well-known shoe store. When the children came I stopped working, later I'll tell you why. But stopping working as a mother also has certain disadvantages that I now 'run into'. Anyway, read along…
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My husband worked as a roofer. Through his company he was able to get his truck driver's license and when his work as a roofer stopped, he started working as an international truck driver. This means that he is only home on Saturday and Sunday. His salary is also based on that, so it didn't take long before the subject of children came into the picture. Our preference has always been that one of us would stay at home to raise the children.
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Both of our parents worked and we didn't like childcare. With his salary it was possible for me to stay at home. In 2006 our oldest was born and from that moment on I stayed at home. Quitting working as a mother to be with my child, I loved that! I went along with his rhythm of naps and sometimes we could walk for hours. Even when he was sick it gave me a lot of peace of mind that I didn't have to arrange anything. I could tell the doctor exactly what he had eaten, drunk, how high the fever was and what time he had had a suppository.
I really enjoyed mothering. Even though my days, which were very similar, and all my friends were still hard at work, we had a good time. The first steps, the first word, I was the first to experience everything. Although we noticed that we found it difficult that my husband missed all those things. But this was our choice and we were not short of anything this way. In 2008 we decided to leave our first owner-occupied home for a larger family home. That year soon followed the birth of our youngest. Our youngest turned out to be a cry baby.
And then you find out that it's pretty hard alone. But I couldn't complain from myself because we had chosen this. I can still remember that during that period with 2 small children I often thought about other mothers who also had to work. How did they do that?! At the end of the day I was a broken woman who had more and more trouble getting up in the morning and filling the day.
When our oldest was 3 years old, he showed more and more 'deviant' behavior and we got into the crazy mill of examinations and doctor visits. Another one of those moments when you're grateful that you don't have to call a boss or account for it. I picked up the children and checked all appointments. The oldest turned out to have ADHD and pdd-NOS. He therefore benefits from a lot of regularity and clear structure. Another moment when you realize that it's very nice that you can offer that at home! Even though it became more difficult to make important decisions alone, and I got tired of constantly having to explain why the father is not present.
In the meantime, it is a fact that we have become dependent on my husband's income. Taking a day off is not an option in his profession unless it is just before or after the weekend. As a mother, at some point you learn to be tough when it comes to taking care of your child. Especially if your child turns out to have a 'disability'. I don't want to repeat myself, but how many times have I realized that I can be so grateful that I can put all my time into the children. Being able to stop working as a mother increasingly seemed like a blessing. I wouldn't know where to find the time to work in addition to all the doctor and therapy visits.
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Regularity and structure were first priority in our house. Last year our youngest was also diagnosed with ADHD. In addition, he has a high intelligence and therefore asks for a challenge every day. The brothers don't get along well, so I play police officer every day. My husband and I often discuss whether the choice we made 10 years ago was the right one. It's really hard for me to be home alone with the boys. Both still have regular appointments with doctors and therapies. And as much as I like to always have time for them, I would rather be able to just go to work. Not being a mom for a while but just Monique.
It is also becoming increasingly difficult for my husband to be away from home all week. We all discuss 10-minute conversations from school or a doctor's visit over the phone or on the weekend. But that is different than when daddy is just present. And I notice that the boys also feel an increasing need for male talk.
We are now at the point where we want to turn it around. I work a few hours again, and my husband a job where he just comes home in the evening. A situation where we can all eat together at the table, and share the care for our boys. I notice that I have a very close bond with both boys. After all, Mom was and is always there! I wish this on my husband too!
The boys don't know any better than that daddy is only home for the weekend. They grew up with it. The children don't like it that mom wants to go back to work for a few hours. Even though they see around them that many parents are both working, they are afraid that I am not at home much. The unrest of after-school care creates resistance.
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So I try to find work with working hours during school hours. Fortunately, the school has a continuous schedule, which means that you are a bit more flexible in your working hours. Yet it is not easy. The first steps I took was to go back to working in the store. I have gained years of experience there and I always enjoy contact with customers. But until now I soon hear that I am too old. My years of experience as a manager is not important in this respect. That's also what quitting working as a mother brought me. They also don't think I'm flexible enough because I also want to see my husband on weekends and therefore can't/want to work.
Oh well… we'll see what comes my way. Fortunately, I'm in the position that I don't have to work, although I would really like it. Even if quitting working as a mother gave our family the necessary peace of mind, a first step towards a whole change in our lives would be welcome for me. So far I am enjoying my rest. The boys are doing well at school, and the house is nice and tidy 😉 .
